Another absence

Sorry for the disappearance again folks. Managed to take a bit of a tumble on Tuesday which,  whilst I didn't really hurt myself, landed me back in hospital for a few days and undergoing some scary tests. Luckily the scary tests didn't throw anything new at us this time so I'm home again working to recover strength which is poor but will improve.

Presence on here may be a bit intermittent as get quite tired when do anything and then brain shuts down a bit.

See you anonx

Planting positivity

Taken by J

Taken by J.

I may be having a blip and not be able to get outside or indeed downstairs at the moment but that doesn't stop the garden and allotment being a real source of strength and positivity and I'm so very grateful for it. Today I've peeked out of the window and watched the blackbird eating the cotoneaster berries from the hedge, looked down on the beds that J managed to do a bit of work on yesterday and spotted the scabious still in bloom and the strawberry and flowering currant leaves taking on their Autumn tints of red and yellow. He's also been busy sowing broad beans and onions in modules in the hope that the mice and voles might leave them alone if they are rooted when we put them in ground. Tonight we ordered our seed potatoes for next year's harvest courtesy of the Transition Loughborough Potato Day online system and J has spent some time pricking out and potting on the cuttings and biennial sowings I made at the end of the summer so we can look forward to pansies, violas, sweet rocket, verbena and penstemons next year - mind you we're already running out of window ledges!

Next stop part 2 of the brilliant Northern Lights adaptation. Happy Sunday all.

Slow days

Wet night but shaping up to be a dry day I think, if a little grey and November-ish.

Things are improving slowly here as I take a break from the chemo and give my body chance to recover. That treatment is now set aside and once my skin (nasty reaction) and strength returns we'll be trying a different one. In the meantime it's patience from me (a struggle at times) and TLC from J ( who seems to have a never-ending supply of it). There's been lots of practical support from the local care teams and the regular checking in from friends and family too. Brain energy seems to be returning as well so that means I can start catching up on all the blogs, articles and things I have bookmarked over the last week or so too. As I'm not doing much other than recuperate my own blog-posts might be a bit sparse but we'll see.

We ordered a stair-lift yesterday which will be installed next week - a big step but one we always knew would come and it will mean that when muscles are weak and energy levels low I can still use the whole house and J can actually leave it - whereas at the moment I'm back to being largely upstairs as that's where the bathroom is (not TMI I hope!!) and he's on cooking, waiting, door answering and everything else duties.

So that's where we are at the moment.
Bye for now.
x

Home at last

Tired but doing ok. Chill out evening ahead. Normal service will resume anon.
Bye for now
Tx

A little blip.

 Hopefully not for long but Wednesday's quick trip for a blood test gas turned into a stay in hospital due to a rather low bloid count and the starts of an infection. Being treated and hopefully be home soon. We've had worse!

Back soon

X

Getting things done

Yesterday, despite the soggy start to the day, we had an excursion before our trip to the hospital for chemo. We had been building up a list of bits and pieces we wanted to pick up in town and I needed a non-medical trip out even if it did mean starting at B&Q. The main purpose was to have a peek at the new Hobbycraft that has opened this week .so we got  dropped off at the shopping centre late morning and then J wheeled me round working our way through our list of things until we got to Hobbycraft itself- the shopping centre is a nice level outdoor one and is just on the edges of the town close to the hospital so once we were done we popped into the Marks food place on site and picked up a picnic lunch. Now a picnic in a hospital waiting room isn't everyone's idea of a good time but it made sense for us not to go home and come back out again and the Chemo suite at the hospital is lovely and modern with comfy chairs and free wi-fi and all very relaxed so no-one minded that we turned up an hour or so early (they were momentarily puzzled but they didn't mind!) and it gave me a chance to rest before the treatment began. We picked up some bits for me and bits to put aside for friend's children and family here and overseas ready for the C-word as well as giving me a chance to see what sort of paints and the like the shop stocks before the chaos that today's grand opening would not doubt have produced.
Chemo went ok and whilst tired last night the evening passed smoothly and I even went back to sleep for an extra hour or so after my usual early wake up so a gentler start to today.

When I eventually got up I put a double batch of dough on for lunchtime pizza and a stock of flat-breads for the freezer - reheating them frozen has worked well this week, the breads had a lot of flavour and it's definitely something I will be doing regularly from now on. When J made the lunchtime pizza he also made the flat-breads themselves so a good bit of team-work.

Then on to the next job on the "it's really bugging me and I must sort it list". After several weeks of working our way through the freezer stocks of veggies, sauces and bought in stuff that we'd accumulated earlier in the year I shuffled the remaining pots, packets and boxes around making sure that everything that needs using up in the next month is in the drawers that I can easily get to and revised the lists that tell me what we have and which freezer it's in. The food shop arrived this afternoon so now we're fully stocked for my brother's visit next week and the rest of November and should only need  to pick up the odd bit of fresh fruit and mushroomy type foodstuffs.

Really happy to have got the chores done but starting to flag a bit as the afternoon goes on so methinks more seed crackers and seedling potting on are going to have to wait. My feet are now firmly up watching an interesting Dr. Janina Ramirez documentary on Julian of Norwich on i-player whilst J plants the autumn onion sets into modules in the kitchen and yes, it's still raining...

verbena cuttings need pricking out but will just have to wait...

Back to basics

For various reasons over the last couple of months my trusty breadmaker has been decidedly unloved and the basic ingredients that we always keep in haven't been used as much as normal. Instead I've been buying in pitta bread and tortilla/wrap style breads which means not only spending money that I don't really need to spend but also bringing extra non-recyclable, non-reusable plastic wrappings in to the house that just end up in the bin. Lots of reasons for this, some days I'm just not very hungry or the taste buds are playing tricks but I know I need to eat so a single pitta straight out of the freezer and in the toaster plus some soup is perfect, other days my mouth is a bit sore or swallowing a bit difficult and that lovely loaf of crusty bread becomes a bit of a minefield. Just part and parcel of the cancer treatment and no doubt the same thing for lots of people living with other long term conditions too.

So time for an experiment - can I make a batch of my own flatbreads using what I have in the house without tiring myself out and still have the convenience of being able to just have a single piece if that's all my appetite demands...

well-thumbed but hopefully legible!

My usual meander around blog-land came up with various make your own tortilla type recipes and I soon twigged that our regular weekend pizza dough recipe was very similar - low yeast, oil based and easily adapted to whatever flavourings you have to hand. Time for a play.



So this morning into the bread machine went:
about 100g of mixed grain bread flour (tail end of the bag)
about 200g of white bread flour
1 tbsp sunflower oil
1.5 tablespoon of onion powder
about 1 tablespoon of dried mixed herbs (last of the jar)
1 teaspoon of salt
170ml of water


And out came 550g dough ball which then got divided into eight.








I popped a couple of raw dough balls in individual cases to see how well they freeze and cook later. These are just reusable silicon muffin cases - once frozen I'll take them out and leave them in the tub.

Next I rolled out a couple of the pieces as large tortilla-style breads and popped them in a hot dry pan to cook. 

I divided a couple of the other pieces into 2 to make small pitta type breads - a hot fry pan with a little water - may use a little oil next time as pan started to smell a bit as it got very hot.

So now we have a few cooked for my tea and J's supper then a few smaller ones that are in the freezer to see how they re-heat over the week.



So far the results look promising, just need to see what they are like out of the freezer and then that's another step back from pre-packed foods.

Tired but happy...

Starting to flag a bit now but today we've had a lovely morning of plant and pot shuffling as whilst chilly, it has stayed dry and given us a chance to get some of the winter preparation jobs done. Mind you I'm saying we, as usual J has done most of the actual work whilst I've pointed to where I want things to live!

Normally I loathe and detest all photos of me but J took this today and I actually love it so I'm going to share it here. This is me surrounded by my favourite things and very happy to be doing something productive, yes the hair is nearly gone but the smile says it all.

wallflowers for us and a friend and a great view of the garden

Our wallflowers are now in the ground and their final pots and the spares will be being picked up by a friend later in the week, she gave us some lovely hardy geraniums earlier in the summer so it's great to be able to offer something back. Last year's bulb pots have been weeded, sorted and shuffled ready for swapping with the autumn flowering ones when they finally give up in a few weeks time, the parsley pots are indoors ready for cutting and the chillis have come in too for overwintering. Splitting and keeping the lovely little chrysanthemum that we were given as a present last winter has worked really well and, as they are now budding up beautifully, we have brought one of the plants back indoors to add to the kitchen table garden, the others can stay outside for now just to see how long they will flower outside.

As with every garden there is still plenty more to do but it feels like we've made a good start on the list which is always a great feeling. I hope you've had a great weekend too...

Bulb pots cleaned and shuffled

Who needs peat when a simple garden bin produces compost like this?

Wallflowers and bulbs into the path bed

Chrysanthemum budding up well

Roses, verbena and asters delighting

With a little bit of help....

A chat with a friend this week has made me realise that a big fear for so many of us with a long term diagnosis of cancer or other condition is the loss of independence, the fear that suddenly you need to be "looked after" and become vulnerable to the vagaries of the world around you as treatments come and go and your ability to function fluctuates. I'm not going to lie - in my experience there are elements of that - you get swept up in a cycle of treatments, tests, appointments, side-effects and feelings that can overwhelm, frighten and bemuse and make you feel as if nothing will ever be right again but for us it hasn't been like that all the time and so I thought it might help someone out there if I wrote down a few things that have helped me feel like me despite all that is spinning around us.

Despite everything that has to happen around treatments and the illness there really are things you and your loved ones can do to give yourself room to breathe, to take control of the maelstrom and arrange your life and living to fit your new reality, if that's what you want and need to do. There is, in our experience, lots of help and support out there, although to be fair sometimes you have to hunt and badger for it and it can vary from area to area, condition to condition.

At this point it's only fair to put a few cards on the table as it may affect how some of you read and react to this post. After years of living fairly frugally and having reasonably well-paid jobs without the desire for the life-style that often goes with that, we are lucky to be in a financially secure position. This means we have been able to use that to our advantage and, if we identify some piece of kit we think might be useful or service we need to access we've been able to pay for it. I know that for a lot of people that is not the case and that adds yet another horrible dimension to an already terrifying illness and adds pressure that no-one needs. I do know that there are organisations out there that can help with grants, benefit applications and other support as I have been offered support on several occasions and will link to a few useful folk at the end. If you need the help please, please look for it and don't suffer in silence, the system is supposed to be there to support you not make life harder and there is no shame in hunting up the help you need even if it sometimes feels as if everything is stacked against you. (Sermon over I promise!)

After I'd come through the initial diagnosis and whirlwind of emergency treatment and first chemo my biggest fear was the loss of control and independence that came with feeling weak, ill and just not knowing what was around the corner. I needed help, was happy to have help but didn't want to be totally dependent on anyone no matter how much I loved and needed them in other ways, otherwise what was the point of anything. I needed and still need to be able to feel like I am living my life, enjoying our home, relationship and all that entails on terms that make it worth living. That has meant accepting that changes had to be made to the little things around the house as well as making a few bigger alterations and so eventually I swallowed my pride and started to hunt up kit and advice.

Our first stop was the local health service - they came to us - not letting me leave the hospital without doing a home assessment and providing us with the kit they thought we'd need - things like an extra bannister rail, a commode (possibly TMI but vital in the first few weeks home when I was limited to going up and downstairs once a day), a toilet frame,  perching stools and a bath board so that I could do what I needed to do whilst sitting down and then get up again!

Perching stool helps in the kitchen

They added a second stool to the kitchen so that I could sit at the worktop or sink or just grab it and sit if getting out to the kitchen had proved too much. Believe me when I say the commode went back as soon as humanly possible and provided a great incentive to do the strengthening exercises the physios had given me! I still have the stools and other kit as they are invaluable on tired days and really make a difference to what I am able to do for myself.They also provided a manual wheelchair which we've subsequently returned as we have our own.  All of this support came free of charge and periodically they get in touch to see whether I need any further support.

Tri-walker and cane

handy tray trolley

They, along with a wonderful physiotherapist attached to the hospice also gave us the chance to try other things out to see if they suit - things like a walking frame and exercise kit - by trying different ones we were able to go on to buy a little tri-walker that folds up easily, is relatively lightweight so that I have been able to put it in the car and get out by myself over the summer. It also means I can get about outside without having to carry a bag and aggravate the back pain. We added a brilliant tray trolley that means I can easily move things around from room to room downstairs - it even gets used as an impromptu potting bench as the trays come off easily for washing and just this morning I've used it to help me empty the washing machine and move the contents to the drying rack without lifting too much. We actually picked this up in the hospice charity shop really reasonably priced but I'm pretty sure that the health team would have provided one if I'd have asked. We've got the manual wheelchair for days when I need extra help but luckily they are few and far between at the moment but it does mean we can go a bit further afield if I want to and J's around.

The biggest expenses have been one of those riser recliner chairs  - especially made to be the right size and height for me and supportive for the back and cushioned to prevent sores developing if you have to spend extended amounts of time in it and an adjustable bed as I can no longer lay flat and sometimes need extra help to get up. These have both made a huge difference but were a big investment. Our district nurse team did say that there are local grants available for folk who need stuff like this but can't afford to buy it so it is worth enquiring in your area if you think you would benefit from kit you can't afford. Our most recent investment is a very good rotating table that sits next to my chair but that I can easily move to the side when I need to get up and down - the medical ones would be too heavy for me to shift myself but the one we've got has a 360°swivel top. J installed it  fairly easily and now all I have to do is push the top aside to get out of the chair.  The great thing about this is my laptop is at the right height and I can rest a proper book or anything else I want to do on a cushion on it and read and type without hurting my neck and back as well as using it to eat off or whatever. It's made a huge difference to managing pain levels and helping me keep occupied already. Again it wasn't the cheapest available but it doesn't look like it belongs in a nursing home and I can use it without help which was vital so we're happy and I'll pop a link to Amazon below just in case anyone else out there would find it useful too. One of the cheapest and simplest investments we made came very early on - a couple of those grabby sticks that you see litter pickers use - one for upstairs and one for downstairs so that when I drop stuff it's easier to retrieve. I've also found a little wooden over the knee table that fits my laptop or book when I'm in bed so that I can read without too many extra aches and pains.

Before anyone has an apoplexy about my blasé expenditure it hasn't been all about having to have new or extra stuff I promise. We happened to have a spare kettle left from when we cleared a family house (we couldn't bear to get rid of something that worked) so we've now got a kettle in the bedroom which means I can make a morning hot drink without spilling it on the stairs and me. We also keep a couple of packet soups and harvest-type bars up there so that when I am having a really low power day I've even got food upstairs. It's brilliant for lazy weekend starts too! I keep a couple of long handled bags at the top and bottom of the stairs so that if I do have to transport things up and down I have my hands free for the bannister rails, safer for me. With the help of my mum and J we've shuffled drawer, freezer, fridge and cupboard contents around so that anything I need on a daily basis or when I'm on my own is easily to hand and I don't have to do a lot of bending, carrying or shifting - things like everyday clothes, cups, glasses and that kind of thing are all in easy reach and mean I can get dressed, fix food and just exist without needing to exert too much energy on the low days. Early on J moved some of the heavier chairs around the house so there is always somewhere I can perch and know that I can get up again or hold onto if I get unsteady - this has proved really handy again now I'm back on the chemo and my energy levels are a bit reduced again. There are baskets and boxes dotted round the house with the things I might want during the day/week like medicines, chargers or books and J checks before he goes back to work in case there is anything in particular I might want to do whilst he's not around. Another thing I do is use the kitchen blackboard a lot as a memory prompt - notes to myself (and J!) that the dishwasher is filling, emptying, what time I need to switch the battery charger off and all manner of similar reminders.

For everyone's piece of mind I also agreed to an emergency button from the Lifeline service. This is a charged for service that provides 24hour help to folk that need it and whilst I haven't had to use it an emergency yet, I have accidentally set it off a couple of times so know the response is comforting and quick!

When it comes to managing appointments, shopping and things like that the Internet is truly our friend and I wouldn't be without it. J and I share an online calendar so that he knows what appointments I have coming up and can juggle work and his other commitments around them and I can see where he is if I need him for anything. I also use a separate calendar to keep track of my day-to-day medication - putting in reminders of what to take and when and keeping track of where I am with the day which helps when the brain gets a bit stressed and loses track of where I am with everything. We even use the direct message service on Twitter to keep in touch during the day without disrupting his work. The Google Keep note-taking app comes in handy too as we can share notes and even shopping lists on there - for example we have a shared note for all my different medication, another with emergency medical contacts, a third with the contents of the hospital go bag and what might need adding to it if I have to go in at short notice - it happened a few times over last year so has already proved worth having and the app is really easy to use. I supermarket shop online too which, whilst I miss the odd wander around the shelves means I'm still choosing what I want, can create the list as and when I remember that I want something and once it's delivered can put it away slowly - on really low energy days I pop the fridge and freezer stuff away and leave the rest for J when he gets home or for later when I feel more like doing it so there's no pressure. But above all that being online also means I can keep in touch with friends and family, have an outlet through this blog and all the lovely ones I follow and see what's happening in the world which helps me still feel part of it whenever I need to and that has been a really important.

This has turned into an extremely long post but I really hope it might help someone out there feel slightly less helpless or hopeless and find a way through whatever maze they are in.

Bye for now Tx

Links to stuff (these are NOT affiliate links just examples of what I've found useful)

Our Grabby sticks - https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B0076VM39W/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o04_s01?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Rotating table - https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B006908192/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o07_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1


Links to National Help
Macmillan Cancer Care - information, advice and practical support. Online forums
Cancer Research UK - information and advice. Online forums
Hospice UK - information, advice and contact details for hospices
GovUK benefits page - information and application forms
Citizen's Advice - information, advice and practical support to apply for benefits as well
Breast Cancer Now - information and advice
Lifeline24 - Emergency button and help service

Links to local help in South Warwickshire
The Shakespeare Hospice - Day Hospice, Complementary Therapies, Art therapies, Hospice at Home, Family Support, All round wonderful folk!
South Warwickshire NHS Foundation Trust Cancer Teams - Medical teams, community support and palliative care nurses in Warwick and Stratford.
The Myton Hospice - residential hospice in Warwick.
Warwickshire Libraries - information, advice and lots of free stuff to do online as well as in branches. Home Delivery service if you need it.

Saturday stories

Chemo number three went ok yesterday - I was very tired by the time we got home but as usual J looked after me and I managed to stay awake to enjoy the delights of Gardener's World and some of the evening comedy shows before crashing out. My hair has now started coming away in earnest which was distressing on Wednesday when it began and is now irritating as I keep finding myself with a furry keyboard and trackpad. I've got plenty of hats and scarves at the ready for when I need them but could really do without the fur-balls!

This morning I'm not too bad so J has left me with everything I might need and headed up the plot for a harvesting trip - with a bit of luck there should be beans, spuds, apples and flowers to look forward to later today.

Talking of beans J brought some dried pods back from the community allotment in Loughborough on Thursday night - really ugly looking pods but look at the lovely shiny treasure held inside.

dried ugly and brown pods

Shiny black runner beans ready to finish drying.

Just pottering...

Mum heads back home tomorrow so we're just hanging out here and enjoying each other's company. I'm going to miss having her around but she'll be back for Christmas and I know the rest of the family are missing her so it's time. Thankfully the chemo hasn't wiped me out quite as much this week although I am tiring quickly and the brain is a bit hit and miss, so things are being picked up and put down and I've not finished a lot of things I've started but that's ok. In a change from last round I do at least seem to be able to read so that's good.

Fortunately the weather has been kind today so our trip to the hospital for my blood test was a pleasant one and I managed to get a couple of snaps of the flowers out the front. The birds are obviously feeling the change in temperatures as the table food is almost empty and we've spotted the odd robin, blackbird and chirping sparrow in the hedge as well as the ubiquitous wood pigeons.

Good day

For a chemo day it has been a good one. It all started with a lovely author on Twitter called Tom Cox pronouncing that I'd won a copy of his beautiful book  just because I'd retweeted his tweet - watch this space for photos and review!! It's been on my wish-list for a while and I nearly ordered it this week - I hardly ever enter these draws and have never ever won anything like that before - to say I am excited is an understatement.

Chemo went as well as these things can - the staff are wonderful and kind, J kept me company (after a very quick and soggy trip to the shops nearby to pick up weekend snacks), there was a rainbow to be seen in the sky and I now know all my appointments for the next month so we can make a plan - the treatment itself just happens whilst you sit there - I'll be really tired again for the next few days but that's ok.

The weather kindly decided to give us about half an hour of dry after dinner so J helped me have a potter around the back garden just to say hello to the plants and see all the jobs he did yesterday - shuffling tomato plants to try and encourage the last few beefy ones to ripen before blight hits, finally putting the sweet-pea plant out of its misery which meant a last few blooms to add to the living room vase and transplanting some old grape hyacinth bulbs out of a pot and into the pond bank so they will be little dots of amongst the ferns in the spring.

This week's rain has refreshed everything and the starry asters are now blooming too, the dahlias and roses are a bit bedraggled but nonetheless beautiful, the rudbeckia, monarda, verbena, fuschias and scabious continue to flourish and provide colour and all in all it's looking lovely out there out there at the moment. I could hear lots of buzzing and our wanders disturbed a few moths and other critters plus the odd cheeky slug and snail making the most of the damp and then time to wander back in and put our feet up.

Ivy round the back door flourishing

Verbena going strong and wafting beautifully

Gran's Rose still so very pretty and more blooms to follow

Go on you know you really want to ripen!

Starry asters blooming at last

Sneaky but rather pretty snail hiding in the bird feeder!

Little apples ripening

Bulbs added to the fern bank

Night all!

A little bit of potting on.....

Consultant appointment over and done with, we were home before 10 o'clock today. News is ok as these things go - concentrating on chemo for the liver and just monitoring for the head for now. Got to expect to be tired and not get annoyed when I can't do the things I think I should be doing... mmm ok well - will do my best on that one! Just having to remember all the strategies we used in the last round to manage the tiredness and the impatience. So back on Friday for second chemo it is then.

J has taken the rest of the week off work so we can potter together for a couple of days - wonderful. This meant that after a cup of tea, a slice of Mum's yummy apple cake and a rest we could move on some of the cuttings I took a few weeks ago and take some of the lovely scented-leaf geranium whilst he moved the heavy stuff and tidied up after me! So we now have 4 new penstemon plants rooted from water cuttings, 2 little fragaria moschata plants that have taken a long time to develop from seed sown in the spring but now look quite healthy and have taken 5 leaf cuttings of the scented geranium which we hopefully mean extra plants for the spring. Joy is definitely plant shaped today :)

lovely strong roots

four new plants - colour will be a surprise!

Need smelly vision to truly appreciate this lovely plant

Insurance cuttings now on the windowsill upstairs

Best laid plans

Well yesterday's trip to the lotty didn't happen - the new steroids are playing with my vision so no driving for me until it settles. I'll admit to not taking this well at all despite knowing that thousands of people get by just fine without a car and that fuzzy vision is the least of what many people put up with as side effects but yesterday it was the end of the world. I have an MRI on Tuesday and Chemo starts Friday so I know trips up the road will be few and far between but there is still the garden to potter in and music and books and painting when focus isn't too off so I need to set aside the self-pity and steal myself for what's to come otherwise this will just turn into one long pity party and I can't have that.

So yesterday afternoon I made pie from last week's harvest using the cheese and marrow recipe I posted earlier in the month and carried on reading the lovely Dancing with Bees and today a slow start followed by a scrubbing of the microwave and a posy picking session.

Health and Harvests

Well yesterday was a bit of a bugger to be honest. The meeting with my consultant confirmed our fears and I'm back on chemotherapy from the end of next week as the tumours in the liver have multiplied and grown which I suppose explains why I've been feeling so grotty the last month or so. The second bit of news was that there is something going on in my head too so I am off for an MRI next week and I really really hate MRIs but it's a necessary evil if they are going to determine exactly what's going on and then there is talk of something called cyber-knife radiotherapy which sounds delightful. Still they've started me on a course of steroids which should help with the pain and sickness and things are moving quickly again so I'm grateful as ever for the speed and kindness with which my NHS specialist teams all kick into gear and they are given us options rather than giving up so whilst future posts may be a little intermittent as I get used to a new treatment regime I will still be posting pictures and musings for a while yet.

On a more cheerful note we have started harvesting beans for the winter and the first batch are dried and in their jars in the kitchen ready to be joined by the next crops. These keep for ages if dried properly and will get used over the winter in soups and stews and bakes and pies.

And the Sweet-pea pot we popped in the back garden to finish dying has offered up a generous posy of blooms as the night's cool so I have a final pretty purple offering for the kitchen.

Oh and J came across the website recently which is guaranteed to provide hours of distraction to any child of the eighties - http://bbcmicro.co.uk/ - Beware it's a time thief.....

Pretty morning

After a couple of hours sleep in the chair yesterday afternoon, a few hours dabbling with watercolours and a good night's sleep I've woken to one of those pretty late summer morning, no nausea and a better frame of mind - thanks for bearing with me.

Works in progress from yesterday evening based on photos taken a couple of years ago:

 

Today is hospice day and I'll probably be resuming work on this one based on part of the hospice garden as well as a chance for a bit of reflexology and tai chi.

 

Thanks for stopping by.

Sorry, not sorry

The last few days have not been the easiest, sometimes living with this bloody disease just gets on top of me and whilst diversionary activities do help, when you don't sleep the world can look very grey and you feel crap. Most of the time I don't write this down here 'cos it's not something folk want to read about but I don't want to give credence to the trope that if you "fight" you win, that being cheerful all the time means a medical miracle is just round the corner and that every day will be roses and sunshine until you wander off peacefully "over the rainbow bridge", it just isn't. Sometimes you hurt and you want to scream, cry your eyes out or curl up into a ball to make it all go away. It doesn't and if you are lucky those you love hang around, let you cry and yell, hold your hand and help the bad days pass - and believe me I know I am very lucky and just hope that they too have someone they can talk to when their days turn grey and I'm a useless puddle of selfishness.

It will pass, panic attacks don't hang around for long and neither do my grey days. There will be flowers again, in fact we've been making sure of that this weekend - potting on cuttings and taking more - see it's not all been grey.

Dabbling distractions

Bleeping infection back, hopefully can be treated successfully at home this time but it's a bugger nonetheless so whilst I'm letting the antibiotics do their work I got yesterday's watercolours out again and tried to make some improvements to yesterday's dabblings.

At the end of yesterday

As good as it's getting

What it should have looked like....